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情感專家告訴你:如何“科學地”說分手
時間:2018-10-25 16:04     來源:中國日報網     本站編輯作者:admin
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可能沒啥比被甩更悲催了,但是甩人的一方感覺可能也好不到哪兒去。其實,分手對當事人雙方來講都不那麽容易,但是如果你要甩了你的那個TA,還是有方法減輕你倆的痛苦的,情感專家給指出了幾條光明大道。

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Tell the truth — but don’t be cruel

溫柔點兒,講真話

If you’re ending a relationship, you owe it to the other person to explain why, says Rachel Sussman, a New York City psychotherapist and author of The Breakup Bible. “The people that I see who have the hardest time after a breakup, it’s because they don’t understand,” Sussman says. Ideally, your reason shouldn’t shock the other person, because you’ve discussed it in the past and tried to work through it, Sussman adds.

如果你想結束一段戀情,你應該給對方一個解釋。來自紐約的心理治療師、《分手聖經》的作者瑞秋·蘇斯曼說道:“在我看來,人們在分手後最大的痛苦在于他們想不明白爲什麽分手。理論上,提出分手一方的理由不該使對方感到震驚,因爲在決定分手前你們應該爲此爭執過,並且想過要去修複。”

Guy Winch, a New York City psychologist and author of How to Fix a Broken Heart, agrees that you should give a reason, but stresses that a breakup isn’t license to unload all of your pent-up complaints and snide comments — even if the other person says they want to hear them. “Find the one thing, because that might be useful for them [to know],” he says. Listing every last annoyance isn’t productive and will only drag out what’s likely to be a painful conversation.

同樣來自紐約的心理治療師、《如何修複破碎的心》的作者蓋·衛恩齊也同意蘇斯曼的這一觀點,並強調分手的重點不是釋放你一直壓抑著的怨言和盡情地諷刺對方,哪怕對方表示會接受你的“發泄”。“找出一件能夠使對方理解的、具體的事兒來說明白。”無休止的抱怨毫無益處,反而會使痛苦的交談沒完沒了。

It’s also important to choose your words carefully, the experts agree. “Phrase something as, ‘This bothers me,’ or ‘This really was difficult for me,'” instead of blaming the other person, Winch says. What you feel is terrible isn’t always objectively terrible, he says — just bad for you.

專家們還認爲,謹慎措辭也很重要。衛恩齊說,不要只是責備對方,可以試著這樣說:“這讓我困擾”或“這對我來說真的很難”。你感覺很糟糕的事兒並不一定很糟糕,可能只是你的感覺而已。

Finally, resist the urge to soften the blow with platitudes. Saying, “‘We can be friends,’ or ‘Now’s not a good time for me,’ all sound like, well, maybe in the future” things could work out, Winch says. Don’t imply that’s the case if it’s not.

最後,抑制住說善意謊言的沖動。衛恩齊說,別試圖用“我們以後還可以做朋友”或者“目前我的狀態不適合談戀愛”這種話來給對方無謂的希望。如果以後再無可能,就不要給對方任何暗示。

 

Do it face-to-face

面對面,說清楚

Both Winch and Sussman say in-person breakups are the most considerate and mature option for established couples, and should preferably happen in a private place. “If it’s in public, they might be distraught, and then they have to somehow get home, which is horrible,” Winch says. The best place to do it is in their home, not yours, he adds, so you can leave if the situation gets too drawn out, and so that they’re in a familiar place.

衛恩齊和蘇斯曼都提到,對于已經確立關系的伴侶來說,私下、面對面談分手是最體貼和成熟的方式。衛恩齊說:“如果在公衆場合,被甩的一方情緒會比較容易失控,這種情況下再獨自回家是比較危險的。”談這類問題最好的地方就是在對方家裏,而不是你的家裏,這樣如果談得不太順暢你可以離開,而對方也是在自己熟悉的地方。”

That said, there are a few exceptions to the face-to-face rule, Winch says. Most importantly, if you fear for your safety in any way, you should keep your distance. Aside from that, a phone-based breakup may be okay if you’re dating long-distance, or if you’ve only seen each other a few times. For very new dating situations that have only lasted a date or two, you can even get away with a text.

衛恩齊說,不過“面對面”原則也有幾種例外的情況。最重要的是,如果你擔心自身的安全,你還是應該與對方保持距離。除此以外,如果是異地戀,或者彼此只見過幾面,電話分手也是可行的。如果只是剛剛開始的戀情、只見過一兩次面,那麽短信分手也不是不可以。

But even if you’ve only been on one date, Winch says it’s always better to be upfront, rather than ghosting. He even recommends writing out a boilerplate message — something along the lines of, “Thank you, it was fun, but I didn’t feel a romantic connection” — and keeping it on hand for those situations.

但是,哪怕你們只約會過一次,給對方一個交代比玩“消失”要好得多,衛恩齊說道,哪怕只是寫一些類似“謝謝你,和你一起挺開心的,不過還是沒什麽心動的感覺”之類的客套話。

 

Be sure

說再見,就再見

All too often, Sussman says, the person who ends a relationship has second thoughts once the deed is done, which only makes for a messy, painful situation. “Spend some time soul-searching, journaling, talking to a really good friend or family member or talking to a relationship specialist” to get your thoughts in order, Sussman says.

蘇斯曼說道,很多時候,提出分手的一方會在分手後又改變主意,這會使情況變得更糟,更讓人痛苦。蘇斯曼說:“先花些時間去反省、回顧、與摯友親人或情感專家溝通,理清思緒。”

While it may feel uncomfortable to carry on the relationship while you make up your mind, Winch says it’s a necessary evil. “Everyone who wants to break up, every single person, does not voice that the minute they think it. They have to process it and be sure and be ready,” Winch says. “That’s how it works.”

衛恩齊說,當你已經打定主意後,再繼續保持關系會很煎熬,雖然不希望傷害別人,但這是一個必經過程。“每一個想分手的人,不會在冒出這個念頭的第一時間就說出來。他們都要考慮一番,確定自己要分手,並做好准備,”衛恩齊說,“一般都是這樣操作的。”

Once you’ve resolutely decided to end things, however, you shouldn’t delay the conversation or prematurely act like you’re single, Sussman says. “The dumbest thing people do is get involved with other people before their relationship is over. They just want to have a plan B. It can also be to create distance, maybe even on some level of wanting to get caught,” she says. “If you’re involved with someone and the contract is exclusivity and monogamy, to cheat on that person is the most hurtful thing.”

蘇斯曼說,一旦你確定要結束一段關系,就不要再拖拖拉拉不提分手,也別過早地向全世界宣布自己是單身。她說:“最愚蠢的事兒就是‘騎驢找馬’。有的人總是想給自己留條後路。有的人還會刻意制造距離,甚至盼著被對方發現自己的背叛。愛情是具有排他性的,欺騙是對他人最大的傷害。”

 

Let them decide whether or not to contact you

讓“被甩”的一方決定你們還是不是“朋友”

It may seem kind to check in on your ex or to maintain a friendly rapport after a breakup, but resist the impulse. Both Sussman and Winch say the person who got dumped should be the one to decide when, or if, they want to reopen contact — and ideally, that should only happen after you’ve both moved on completely.

關心前任或者與前任做朋友看似很“重情重義”,但是最好別這樣。蘇斯曼和衛恩齊都提到,應該讓“被甩”的一方來決定是否還要繼續保持聯系,而且最好是在你們雙方都已經從過去解脫出來後。

Couples should take time apart before trying to become friends, Sussman says. Let at least three months pass before starting any kind of friendship, Winch says — adding that most people who follow this rule opt not to get back in touch. If you’re the person ending things, Winch says you should prepare yourself for that possibility and give your ex their space, as hard as that may be.

蘇斯曼說道,情侶或夫妻在分手後應該要過段時間再決定是不是要繼續做朋友。衛恩齊建議這個“冷卻期”至少要三個月時間,但實際上這樣做了的人通常都再也不會聯系對方了。既然已經“甩了”別人,就應該准備好面對不可預知的未來,給前任空間(盡管會很難過),放過彼此吧。

 


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